How to Become an Internet Rockstar
↑ that's a permalink! visit the full archive
People on the Internet, people who create web sites and people who read those web sites on a regular basis, are, and we'll be vague and general here, social rejects with bad hair, small brains, and smaller genetalia. No matter how sexy you look on camera, you can't hide your skinny legs from the cold hard light of reality. There's a reason they're called geeks, and it isn't because geek is the new hip like breakfast is the new dinner and Sunday is the new Thursday. Nope. 'Geek' means nerd, 'nerd' means loser, and 'loser' means lost your virginity at age 26 to someone you met online and haven't had sex since.
Welcome to Y2K, where even the zit-riddled crooked-toothed dork next door, the one who's parents locked him in the basement until he got the family goat's teets to shoot spider webs, can have a fan club of real live people all over the world which is growing so fast that soon, it'll rival your own 6 person posse. What will you ever do? We're all just here for the short run anyway, right? He's just here til he gets his book deal, she's here til someone buys that 'painting,' and hell, Mr. MP3 over there is sure to get signed any minute so we can all rush off and produce consumerific tidbits of pop culture! But short of actually producing something that the public wants, how are you going to hold on to that precious net.celebrity which is slipping away oh so quickly?
We've got an idea.
Everyone wants to be a rockstar, and it isn't because of our overwhelming passion for the creation of music. What do rockstars have that we don't want? Sex with men, sex with women, drugs, booze, sex on drugs, sex on booze, drugs on booze, booze on women, drugs on men, money, money, money and fans. But really, what do these things have to do with music? Nothing at all!
Let's do some creative math here and see what we can discover:
Rockstar = Music + Fun. Rockstar - Music = Fun. Throw in the Internet, because it's universally accepted to be worth oh just to the negative side of Zero and we've got Internet Rockstar. Internet Rockstar = All the fun with none of the pesky pressure to produce another top selling CD or make anybody rich or famous. Except you, Mr. Number One.
Now, unlike a real rockstar, you don't have to wait around for the fame and riches part to have the sex and drugs part -- in fact, if you do, you won't last very long. Go out there, fuck and suck and all those other fun -uck words, and do it all while stoned out of your brain. You don't need any justification! Just keep reminding everyone that you're a rockstar! It's the ultimate answer. You don't have to answer to anyone -- except, of course, your audience! As fast as you can, sober yourself up, run home, boil yourself up some macaroni and cheese and post your latest adventure out on That Internet Thing.
If you're good enough at being an immoral, reckless bastard, you'll have the fame and riches part in no time!
If you write it, they will believe...
Still need help? Here are some phrases for you to use on your web site that will help you to achieve the Internet Rockstar attitude:
I get too many hits! I love myself. God, I'm so sexy. I drive the van. I am so funny. You love me. I had enough sex last night to last me the rest of your short, pitiful life.
In addition to these things, you'll also want to talk about how everything you like is the newest trend, and how Such and Such thing is the new Such and Such thing. Left is the new right, black is the new white, and you are the next Big Thing.
Once you've started, you cannot stop. Had a boring evening? My god, don't tell us that you sat around all night in your underwear eating ramen out of the pot! (Unless you're a sexy college vixen and we could floss our teeth with your underwear) We don't care about your silly start-up company, we don't care about your family, and we don't care about your damned dirty stinking life. We just want the good bits, and if you don't have any, for your sake and ours, make it up.
 | |
| REAL LIFE | ROCKSTAR WEB PAGE |
| I ate macaroni and cheese for dinner. Alone. | I went to this fabulous cafe, and talked to my editor |
| Boy, this new X-Men comic is good. | So I read Dave's book, you know, Eggers. |
| I will never get laid again. | Wow, I think I sprained myself in bed last night with that third chick. |
| It takes me hours to write one entry on my site | I just got in, it's 6am, I'm drunk and I thought I'd toss this off |
| I spent all night chatting on AOL. | My friends and I shot a porno. |
| |
Feeling a tinge of guilt about lying to your adoring audience? Take a bong hit and remember -- it's not really lying if it's a universal truth.
I am so much better than you are
Speaking of universal truths, let's talk about the one we've all known and accepted -- the ultimate and obvious fact that you are better than the rest of the mindless, goat-raising Internet. You didn't get that trés elite domain by accident, sir! Someone out there, the secret Internet cabal obviously wants you to succeed, and your dot com email address is your ticket to glory.
Now take off those silly plastic pants, get out of that bathtub full of jello, and go stake out your slice of Internet fame! There are people out there waiting to love you.
Just don't let anyone actually see you.
Ben Brown already wrote the book. He's just waiting for that publishing deal to drop in his lap.