A Very Serious Review of Titan A.E.
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In an attempt to encourage Adam to branch out from the "angry" pieces he usually submits, the Über staff reassigned him to be the staff culture critic. His first assignment was to do a movie review of Titan A.E. After reading it, the staff decided that this will be Adam's last assignment as critic.
I have a problem.
Ok, I have lots of problems, but let's just focus on just one today -- it'll make things easier for all of us.
I love cartoon girls.
I'm not just saying that I'm attracted to cartoon girls. This isn't about my obsessive sexual fantasises about cartoon girls.. This isn't about sex.
No, this is about love.
The problem really isn't that I love cartoon girls, but that I love them more than the real girls I know. This is, of course, because they are substantially better. In every possible way. They're more intelligent, they usually have more superpowers, they have better clothes, and their insults are wittier.
For example, has there ever been a better angry, evil European bitch with knee-high fuck-me boots than the Baronness from G.I. Joe? Has there ever been a better red-headed singing tease than Tex Avery's Red Hot? Has there ever been a better geek grrl than Velma? Those were not rhetorical questions. The answer in all cases, you silly little Über readers, is an emphatic no.
Certainly, the logical thing to say about my "disturbing and obsessive cartoon crushes" is that they were formed in my misguided youth. The argument being that if I was 20 instead of 5 when Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. debuted, I probably would not be hopelessly in love with Firestar.
Unfortunately, this theory is completely wrong. I just saw Titan A.E., and I'm now hopelessly in love with Akima. (Actually, it was proved wrong the first time I saw Sailor Moon, but I'm not going to get into that.)
Now, most critics are panning Titan A.E. because it's cliche and trite and unoriginal, etc, etc.
I'm no movie critic, so I won't argue about "plot" or "character development" or anything "critics" care about, because it doesn't matter. These critics are completely missing the point.
Akima has purple hair. Puple hair! She has purple hair! And she's a pilot! And she's gorgeous! And she kicks ass! And I'm going to become a cartoon just so I can marry her and live happily ever after with her.
This movie had a profound impact on me. It truly changed my life. I realize now that the only important thing in life is the pursuit of cute girls with purple hair. Err, cute cartoon girls with purple hair.
Oh, and about the rest of the movie, it was good too, because it had, umm, you know, like spaceships and stuff and I like spaceships. Ok, so I wasn't really paying any attention to anything else in the movie.
I give it 4 stars.
Adam Mathes has Sailor Moon post-it notes.