Come Back, Jesse!
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At Über, there are only two things we abhor more than pointless criticism of popular culture. The first is large, cosmic injustices. The second is fat people. Which is why today, on uber, we need to talk about MTV.
MTV, for you Internet-using ludites, is music television much in the same way that Hi-C Ectoplasm Cooler is juice. Hi-C Ectoplasm Cooler is actually a juice-flavored juice drink. It does not contain any actual juice. MTV is actually a music-flavored music television station, with 100% artifical flavoring and 95% of your daily recommended allowance of half-naked, former Mousketeers.
An uncultured smart-ass, unlike myself, a highly educated cultural critic, would probably describe this phenomena by saying something like, "dude, there are no music videos on mtv."
But that's not the cosmic injustice.
The most important thing about Hi-C Ectoplasm Cooler is not that it contains no juice, but that it is blue, and tasty. It is very, very blue. It is blue almost to the point of being disturbingly blue. I love Hi-C Ectoplasm Cooler. I love that it is blue.
And I love my MTV. Or at least I used to. The thing is, I don't like the music videos. I'm too old to understand the crazy music kids listen to today. I'm not "in to" the music-flavored music programming like TRL. But the real groundbreaking music substitue shows like The State, and what possibly may have been the best comedy show ever made, The Jenni McCarthy show -- these are my bread and butter.
The problem with MTV is not their lack of music videos, or the stale, corporate culural products that they peddle.
The problem is one man: Dave Holmes.
Dave is wrong on many many levels. From his bio - "Who is Dave Holmes, you ask? Well, this runner-up is one that's not easily forgotten. Out of over 4,000 auditioners, Dave was first runner-up in the 1998 Wanna Be a VJ contest, MTV's first ever VJ search."
Yes, in one of the most beautiful moments in MTV history, Dave lost the first ever MTV Wanna Be a VJ contest to freakshow Jesse Camp.
Dave is a loser. A big, fat, stinky, music geek loser.
And yet, today, turning on MTV, one can't help but notice that Dave Holmes is on all the time, while Jesse is nowhere to be found. The people have chosen, and they chose the hair-band loving, mildly retarded, tweedle-dum over the slick, tubby encyclopedia-of-music-knowledge tweedle-dee.
When politicians are clueless, and have no real argument, they generally make appeals that concern children. This, however, is completely different. I mean, really, what does MTV's keeping of Dave Holmes and firing of Jesse Camp say to the children?
I'll tell you what it says: you can be a fat loser and end up on MTV.
This is not a message we want to send to the children, oh no. To be on MTV, you need to be a winner. Or be 16 and willing to show some skin. And really, that doesn't even bother me as much as the fact that he's fat. Let's be honest here, Dave Holmes is much too fat to be on television. He's massive. He's downright tubby. What kind of role model is Dave Holmes? Hey kids, sit around, eat lots of junk food, and learn a lot of useless movie trivia, and you can be on the teevee!
I can not, No! I will not stand for it. I am going to do something about it.
And by do something about it I mean, sit right here and tell you to do something about it. We (you) are going to protest. It's simple:
Whenever you want to watch TV, first turn to MTV.
Check and see if Jesse Camp is on. He won't be.
If Dave Holmes is on, make fun of him because he is fat. True, he won't be able to hear you, but it's the thought that counts.
Now, change the channel.
Continue to do this until Jesse Camp is back on MTV.
Thank you for your support.
Adam Mathes doesn't spend enough of his free time masturbating.