Filler Friday: Marriage Hoaxes
↑ that's a permalink! visit the full archive
This was going to be the Filler Friday Back To School Fun Pack, but it's not.
See, it was going to have all these wonderful things that would help you, the slacker teeny-bopper Über reader, have fun fun fun in school.
"But wait!" you say. "I've been in school almost a month now, Adam! I don't need a back to school fun pack now, you late, late bastard!"
To which I say, "I am on the quarter system, so the back to school fun pack comes out when I go back to school, which is now. Sorry little shaver, now run along."
Not that it matters, because without Andy "former Mouseketeer" Pressman, there are no illustrations, thus no Filler Friday Back To School Fun Pack. Because how can you have a fun pack without fun illustrations? That was a trick question - you see, you can't.
"No, no," you exclaim. "That was a rhetorical question, you dumb bastard, not a trick question."
Oh, now you think you're all smart, huh? If you keep this up, there won't be any FILLER FRIDAYS FOR THE NEXT MONTH. Now settle down.
"I don't have to take this kind of crap..."
All right, that's it, I'm turning over Filler Friday to Nate for the next month.
"No. Oh god no! Please. I'll be good!"
That's more like it.
So. There will be no back to school fun pack. There will be no fun in school this year, and you have Andy "disappeared off the face of the earth" Pressman to blame. Damn that Pressman! Curses! The next time you get beat up at recess (if you're in grade school) or have a really stupid homework assignment (if you're in junior high) or get thrown into detention for being 30 seconds late (if you're in high school) or fail a midterm (if you're in college) just think, "Damn that Andy Pressman! It's all his fault."
Now that that's settled, let's talk about a very disturbing piece of news.
Dakota is married.
Now, I was sure that this was a big joke.
I did extensive research to find out.
PimpDaddyKingMathes: Is Dakota getting married?
WoodenTeethGirlhero: I think so.
PimpDaddyKingMathes: Ok, that settles it. This is a big joke.
Not satisfied, I used my undercover reporting skills that were honed when I was a reporter in the deep jungles of Malysia, back in the 70's.
tubbybitchbenbrown: Yo. Dakota got married.
PimpDaddyKingMathes: Dude, is this a joke?
tubbybitchbenbrown: No. Seriously. I wired him money when he was in Vegas. He's married.
PimpDaddyKingMathes: Ok, that settles it. This is a big joke.
I was entirely sure this was a big joke, and that Chez Phillips was actually just a pseudonym for Ben.
Oh, oh, how I was wrong.
I began to suspect that maybe I was wrong when I met Chez last week. I was at the local Jewel-Osco buying some groceries, because when your company dies and you're an unemployed college slacker on summer break you can cook a lot, and thus need to buy a lot of groceries. I was in my favorite aisle, the frozen breakfast pork aisle, trying to decide which brand of Canadian bacon to buy, when a pecuilar looking man with a raspy voice and prematurely grey hair further down the aisle, picking up some frozen waffles, cocked his head and looked at me.
"Adam? Adam Mathes?" he questioned.
"Yes. Who the hell are you," I courteously replied.
"Oh, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Chez Phillips, I submitted some pieces to Über this week."
"No you aren't, you idiot, Chez Phillips is Ben's pseudonym."
"No, my good man, it is you who are mistaken."
Still incredulous, I asked, "Can I see some ID there, bub?" He took out a wallet and handed me his driver's license.
"Ah Ha! Just as I thought, you aren't Chez Phillips, or should I say," I quickly glanced at the license, "Mr. Chester A. Phillips... err... never mind."
So I invited Chez back to my palatial estate and cooked him some breakfast.
He, too, claimed that Dakota had gotten married.
Then, of course, Dakota himself claimed he'd gotten married, even offering proof.
So. I'm pretty sure it's not a hoax, and he actually did get married.
Which is very disturbing.
Not because this girl is only 16, (or 18, whatever, doesn't matter). Or that they only just met at an art show last weekend.
I have no problem with that. I wish them the best.
No, it's disturubing because if any of your friendly Über writers are going to do run off to Vegas and get married, it should be me. Where are all the girls who want to run off to Vegas and marry me?
Come on, I'm an original Überite! Dakota is just some walk-on second stringer!
I haven't even gotten an application to date me in months!
Oh, wait, I'm terrified of marriage. Never mind.
Adam Mathes is his own personal back to school fun pack