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Internet, are you ready to rock??
Here are some things I was trying to write for Uber, but found myself too bored to complete. Some you may have seen before, snuck into pieces here and there. I mean, maybe I could have stretched them out to be a good, long, multi-paragraphed Uber piece. But you deserve quality. Uber quality.
Anyway, these are all dumb.
Jelly bellies are a weird science. I should know, for I am a jelly belly scientist. Call me Dr. Pressman, please, or don't call me at all. In any case, I have devoted countless hours of study in my laboratories to determining the true nature of the jellicus bellicus, or "jelly belly" to the layman. Why is it that the fruity pear jellicus bellicus tastes exactly like a fruity pear, including the slightly irritating taste of pear skin? Or that wild cherry shares the EXACT SAME DNA COMPONENTS as Nyquil?
I have also been spending time concocting various jelly belly recipies. For instance, everybody knows that 1 candied apple + 2 lemons = lemon merangue pie. But did you also realize that 1 chocolate + 1 cinnamon + 1 mint = a bad taste? It is true. And I am sure that you were not aware of the incredible fact that when the DNA of a coffee combines with the DNA of a green apple and the DNA of a coconut, the eventual biological outcome is a pork jelly belly? It is true. Try it today.
I once sold music. I was a music seller in a bookstore that caters to people who like television. What sense does that make? When customers got all stupid on me, I would demagnetize their credit cards.
But when the lights went out and it was time to close shop, I popped open the register and whipped out the twenty dollar bills. I spread them out, fanning them in either hand and waving them across my body, shoulder to shoulder. I pumped up the Biggy Smalls on the loudspeakers, flashed a mouthful of gold and silver, and made sexual remarks in a slurred, heavy voice.
I am not a player. I just crush a lot.
I was at work when I ran into an old family friend, who made a comment about my father's recent 50th birthday. I chuckled and noted that in a year we'd have to put him to sleep, he was getting so old. There was an akward pause. "We just put our dog to sleep," she said, "it's really difficult to deal with."
Yeah, so. I don't know. Sometimes I keep bad ideas around just so I can post them to Uber. Because, and let's be frank, I am not always "on time" for my uber deadlines.
Andy Pressman never finishes what he starts.