I Am In A Pretentious Indie Rock Band
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Though it may come as a surprise to several readers, I am a gifted musician. I have been described as "intense" and "God-like". By contrast, breakfast cereal is described as "natural" and "excellent source of fiber".
Abi Cohen, after hearing of my musical conquests, requested a CD. She then told me, while sharing a few pints of nitrous oxide that "[my] music is only second in beauty to who I am as a person."
Later, she requested an interview with me. The transcript of that interview follows.
Abi Cohen: So, with this latest release you seem to have grown a lot...
Dakota Smith: It's not so much we've grown; we were just fortunate to move to a more obscure label that even fewer people have heard of, making us immensely more talented.
AC: Who are some of your influences?
DS: No one you would have heard of.
AC: Ok, then. If you were on a desert island, and could only have three albums, which three would they be?
DS: I could make better music with sand than the corporate, over-produced shit that you can buy.
AC: Do you have any tour dates set?
DS: Yes, but they are all in Japan and Germany. Touring the US is so tired.
AC: How long have you been working with the current members in the band?
DS: I try not to tie myself down to such dated concepts as band members. The group stays very liquid, as it is hard to find anyone to match my musical prowess.
I also have trouble with people falling deeply, obsessively in love with me, masquerading as musicians, only to try to get me in bed.
AC: Finally, what do the next few years have in store for the band?
DS: We'll continue putting out albums, each more popular than the next. However, by gaining popularity, we'll become that which we hate. After releasing three too many albums, the band will break up, only to get back together under a different name.
The new band, though good, will never be quite as well accepted. Though this may seem like an unfortunate situation for us, we will lose popularity, and thus, return to our original scene.
And you poor sheep will never be the wiser.
Dakota Smith has denim pants and a silver guitar.