Exciting Announcement Deconstructed
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Once again proving that we live in a post-modern world, or that I watched too much Beavis and Butthead, this week's fine, fine Filler Friday will consist entirely of commentary about yesterday's piece by Ben Brown, Exciting Announcement.
Except this part, which is not commentary about yesterday's piece, but is actually more of a sort of introductory type thing, since simply ripping into Ben's Exciting announcement without an introduction would have been confusing. But you get the idea.
The original article is in italics. My comments are not. Just like this. See? No italics. I hope this is not too complicated for any of you. If it is, then don't bother with it, just go look at fart.jpg and move on.
Last night, I recieved into my hot little hands, two very exciting things. Already in my hands was another exciting thing. And then, one more exciting thing will be coming very soon.
In case you missed it, that was a "funny" reference to Ben fondling himself. Already, the piece is giving me nightmares.
What are these exciting things? I will tell you, because I like you.
This is a blatant lie. Ben does not like you. I don't like you either. However, Ben is willing to LIE and LIE and LIE to you in hopes that you will buy the Über paper-product thing. "Oh but baby, please, please, I love, you! I love you!"
You can just smell the desperation. Or maybe that's from the fondling. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Über will shortly be publishing a real world, made-of-paper, honest to goodness periodical. It will be very pretty and it will smell like a book. It will, in fact, resemble a book. A beautiful, musty, paperback book.
When I hear "musty", I think of mildew. And nobody likes mildew. Mildew is just sick.
"It will, in fact, resemble a book." Ooooh, ooh, look at me, I'm a fucking Dave Eggers wannabe.
Also, a book? Paper? Everyone knows print is just a haven for those talentless people who can't make it in the much more important Web literary world.
What, you say, is in this periodical of yours? I will tell you, because again, I like you.
Lies, lies! All lies!
The Über periodical will contain works of fiction. However, they will be works of serialized fiction. What that means is, in each issue, you will see one part of a story. The story will be good and exciting, and when you finish reading it, you will want desperately to read the next section. This is how Charles Dickens wrote his novels. This is how we will write our novels. And then, after several issues have gone by, you will have the full text of several novels! And they will be very good. And you will put them on your bookshelf in a prominent place, and visitors to your house will make remarks about your obvious good taste.
This is a really long chunk of text, so I skipped it. I don't think it's really important. Lots of words. Boring, boring words. But hey, at least you didn't have to pay for them. If you buy Über Number One, or whatever it's called, you will not have that consolation.
I am totally serious.
Uh huh. Sure. Whatever.
In addition to these works of fiction, there will also be works of art accompanied by captions which, when put together, tell a story. One might call it a comic book. We prefer to call it a work of art accompanied by captions. They are very pretty, and the story they tell may shock you!
I know you are wondering who will be in this mighty publication. "Who," you wonder, "will be in this mighty publication?" You would really like to know, wouldn't you? I don't know if I should tell you, because when you know, you will get hot and sweaty, but then you will have to wait a few months to actually recieve your copy. I don't know if that is a good idea -- it may harm your health. Your blood pressure may skyrocket! You may very well perish.
Let me think... no.
Oh, I'll just tell you.
In Über Number One, we have:
- A large-ish piece of a novel by Ben Brown (of The Ben Brown Website)
- A large-ish piece of a novel by Josh Allen (of Fireland)
- A large-ish piece of a novel by Maura Johnston (of maura.com)
- Beautifully illustrated pages (with captions) by Andy Pressman (of Oh Messy Life)
- Other small things by various people which may include words or pictures. But they will be small.
Josh Allen! Maura Johnston! Andy Pressman! And myself! I am in good company, friends. These kind folks are some of the most talented authors and illustrators on this World Wide Web. These are new voices, new stories, brave new stylistic quirks which will make reading each story a tantalizing and erotic experience. And soon, you will be able to order a copy from this Web site.
Hmm, first on the list is, of course, Ben "massively inflated ego" Brown.
Followed by Andy "Dirty, Dirty, Bastard" Pressman. Just what the world needs: more pansy-ass artsy fartsy pretentious comics from Mr. Talentless Hack himself. And I'm not just saying that out of some sort of misguided jealousy because the last 87 personal web sites I've been to run by females aged 16-24 had a link to Oh Messy Life, usually accompanied by text like, "OH MY GOD!!! I LOVE ANDY AND WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES!!!!" It turns out that the whole screaming teeny-bopper fan thing doesn't translate well from teen-pop to the online realm.
Yes! That is right! As soon as we set up our e-commerce booyah, you will be able to place an order for this little piece of history. We will be taking advanced orders because the print run of issue one will be small. We will make another announcement when we are ready.
Sure, Ben may use innocous terms like "e-commerce booyah," but I know what this really means: you are being asked to financially support Ben's often dehabilitating obsession with underoos. Don't ask for clarification, just trust me, you don't want to encourage him.
Are you excited?
Are you done fondling yourself?
Adam Mathes excites himself. Often.