Six problems of modern society, and how they might be solved
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Problem: "Freak dancing." The Christian Science Monitor says that freak dancing "involves kids engaging in an extreme form of sexually suggestive moves to mostly hip-hop music."
Solution: All-Gershwin school dances. You can freak dance to Gershwin, but it just feels wrong.
Problem: Genetic engineering's boring results. Scientific investigation of the human and animal genomics has failed to yield palm-sized sheep, babies with superhuman strength or funky two-headed sex androids.
Solution: Increased scholarships to top tech schools like MIT and CalTech for the criminally insane.
Problem: School shootings. Deadly, ostracized nerds are killing people in droves.
Solution: Superstrong magnets hidden in drinking fountains. Any metal — including guns, knives or bullets — is immediately stuck to the bubbler, and taken "out of play."
Problem: Drug abuse. Why get high when you can read a book? Still, people keep doing it.
Solution: Public education program led by '80s icon Alf. Alf can mock those who do drugs, following up a trenchant list of negative drug side-effects with his trademarked exclamatory "HAH!"
Problem: Hoarding. Some grocery stores in Boston were largely stripped of chicken breasts, milk, bread and eggs in the days preceding the recent "nor'easter."
Solution: During times of emergency, all food bought at the grocery store must be consumed on premises, within a 30-minute window.
Problem: Idol-worship. Afghanistan's Taliban government wryly observed that "Islamic sharia [law] orders the destruction of statues and considers the drawing of portraits a mockery to the servants of Allah."
Solution: Blow the damn things up.
J. R. Norton can save the world