Ben Brown's Attempt To Get Published In A Real Magazine
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This is the actual letter I sent to a style magazine in New Zealand as an attempt to get a writing assignment. My pitch, not included in this e-mail, was: a self-referential back page humor column about being a back page humor columnist. I used the phrase "Self-referentiality is akin to Godliness. I am that I am."
My name is Ben Brown and I am a freelance writer looking for assignments. I am also an Internet rockstar. What that means is, I have legions of dedicated (obsessed) fans across the world who flock to me (read my Web site) and throw their underwear onto the stage (send me crusty, naked photos taken with a shoddy Web cam). "You're brilliant," they cry.
"Yes," I say. "I know."
What I'm saying is, I would like to write for your magazine. I think my writing style would compliment your magazine's style, and that I can write articles that will please (and pleasure) your reading audience. I know that, as a reader of your magazine, I would get pleasure from reading my words in your pages. And trust me, I am in your demographic. That's math, and you can't dispute it!
I am not new to the world of word smithing. I've recently left a job at an online content company where I wrote and edited Web building courses for online education sites. I've edited and written for zines for the last 6 years. And, as I alluded to above, I run a popular personal Web site that the ladies (and the gents) adore.
I can write about Internet culture, modern literature, being a micro-celebrity, dating the daughters of mafia hit men, being a gadget freak, music, Television, film, and American pop culture. I can not write about anything else. Unless you want me to. In which case, I will write about what you want me to write about, including how great you are, how great your magazine is, and how being an editor is akin to being a God.
If you have writing opportunities that you can throw my way, I would be forever in your debt. If you would like, I can send you samples of my previous writing. I can also come to your office and do a little dance, if that will help.
Hire me, Jorin! You know you want to! All the cool kids are doing it. and it'll feel real good.
Ben Brown,
Minor American Celebrity
Ben Brown is filed under "NOT"