The State of Uber
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Several emails I have received recently have concerned the current state of Uber and why, on nearly a daily-basis we are showing submissions which are of lower and lower quality (this piece included). To dispel any rumors about possible financial, motivational, or sexual preference of any of the Uber writers (*cough* Andy *cough*), I approach you, the one remaining Uber reader with this handy guide for reading the new and unproved Uber.
1. Did you laugh out loud while reading the piece?
If the answer is yes, you can stop the quiz right now. Uber is not intentionally funny. Ever. It is deep and sardonic. Any of the following count as laughs:
Things that are laughs or similar to laughing
- Chuckles
- Giggles
- Smirks (must exhale during smirk)
- Open-mouthed smiles
- Sneezes
- Titters
- Leg warmers
- Guffaws
- Chortles
2. Was the piece free of typos, misspellings and was it grammatically correct?
Again, if the answer is yes, put your pencils down. All typos which appear in Uber are intentional, and a piece which lacks a typo or uses “there”, “they’re” and “their” properly was not looked over to see where we could add (ironically, of course) an error.
Words that start with the letter P which we may misspell, solely for reasons of humor and not for a lack of caring
- Presumptuous
- Perception
- Perceive
- Phish
- Philanderer
- Potato
- Pressman
3. Were you confused, disgusted, let down, got off, shot up, shut up, laid up, laid back, laid off, brought down, brought up, brought bacon, turkey bacon, or otherwise effected in a primarily non-pleasant way by what you read on Uber?
If the answer to this question is yes, then congratulations! You have just finished reading yet another fine literary something from Uber.
Remember, when reading Uber, look for the face with the question mark on it. That’s our sign of quality.
Dakota Smith has a hand-basket and a ticket to hell.