Filler Friday: Advice To Prospective Frosh
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This is the time of year when many high school seniors throughout the nation, having been rejected from all the schools they really want to go to, attend programs at the schools they have been accepted to in an attempt to get a feel for student life there, and thus make a more informed choice about college.
Alternatively, you could give a shit about college but your parents are making you go because they want an excuse to travel. Either way, as an experienced, elder, wise college student, I'd like to share a few important points about admit weekends and college. Well, actually, I just hate kids and would rather tell them to read a stupid web site than actually attempt to have a serious conversation and help them if any of them talk to me this weekend.
THINGS PEOPLE SHOULD TELL YOU ADMIT WEEKEND BUT NEVER DO
1. Don't believe anything the students you are staying with tell you. They are dumb. If they were smart, would they have some stupid little high school kid sleeping in their room? (Answer: no, no they wouldn't.)
2. That really, really annoying guy that won't shut up that everyone hates and think is an idiot will decide to attend school with you. He's not just being annoying because he's nervous: he really is an idiot. Also, he will undoubtedly be in a discussion section with you in some boring required class.
3. That cute girl down the hall wasn't really interested you.
4. Seriously, she was just trying to be friendly to the little prospective frosh, she's not interested.
5. Look, she plays rugby, ok? Take a hint.
6. No, not everyone on the girls' rugby team is a lesbian, that's not what I meant.
7. That reminds me, never ever talk about race, politics, or sex. The freshman you live with will try to have "deep" conversations about these and other topics. They will not be deep, no one will learn anything from them, and saying anything that may be considered politically incorrect will get you ostracized and branded a racist and sexist. (Unless you get a kick out of that.)
8. Obviously college isn't anything like this stupid admit weekend of happy fun bullshit. There is no coddling after the first week. There isn't free beer all the time. There aren't cute girls who are willing to talk to you just because you're carrying a red folder like the other prospective frosh. After about a semester of college, that sweet-happy-shiny-cutesy-friendly bullshit wears off and they become uppity bitches.
9. Actually, there is a lot of free beer most of the time.
10. The pissed off, angry, students who are actually doing real work are off in upper-class-only anti-social dorms, living in tiny, tiny little rooms staring at tiny, tiny computer screens. We made sure you got to stay in a nice and friendly all freshman or four-class dorm. Also, so you wouldn't see too many engineering students and be frightened off.
11. Anyone wearing a bike helmet is a grad student. Just ignore them.
12. Don't be an English major.
13. This is important, pay attention: don't be an English major.
14. The only thing worse than being an English major is being a philosophy major.
15. Don't worry, those really obnoxious assholes who got shit-faced at the mixer last night and were puking all night will join a fraternity and you'll never have to see them after freshman year, except for that one time a year you randomly run into them while checking your mail. That will be kind of awkward.
16. Yes, one of those obnoxious assholes actually was the annoying redheaded kid from CBS's Picket Fences.
17. At least high school is almost over.
18. At least you get away from your parents.
19. Yes, this actually costs thirty thousand dollars a year.
20. Yes, college is a big fucking racket.
Adam Mathes is the only staff member at a real college.