I Am Kaycee Nicole
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Don't believe that liar Haughey. He's a glory hog and he's trying to steal what fame is rightfully mine. Like terrorists rushing to claim responsibility for a car bombing, today is the day to claim mock responsibility for the Kaycee Nicole "scandal."
Well, I'm here to tell you that they're all liars. Because it was I, Chester Phillips, who was behind the Kaycee Nicole "scandal." I've orchestrated many "scandals" in the past, such as the "Ben Brown loves Dakota Smith" "scandal," and the "Peanut butter and chocolate go well together" "scandal." You may also remember my involvment in the "Metric System" "scandal." I think you'll all agree that I had not only the ability, but the motive to commit this heinous crime. Because I am a glory hog and a jackass.
I ask you, who else, this is what I'm asking you, who else I ask, I'm asking, who else could have written all those bad poems and the emotion-laden personal narrative? Chester! Who else could pluck the heart strings of the Web community with more delicate grace than me, Chester Phillips? Who else has the vocal acumen to be not one but two distinct young women on the telephone? Me! Who else could build the dramatic tension over so many months, build it to an orgasmic peak and then , I am no cock tease, whammo! Catharsis.
Chester Phillips is your friend, baby. Chester Phillips knows what you, the Web community wants. And Chester Phillips delivered. Oh boy did he deliver.
Thanks for all the flowers and chocolate, by the way. My ass won't thank you, but my stomach sure will!
Chester Phillips has no regrets