I am Adam Goddamn Mathes!
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I figure that since I was on the Stanford campus today, and since there is no filler friday yet, I can be the stand-in for Adam Mathes. It will be difficult, yes, as we have nothing in common whatsoever. But I think I am up to the challenge. Anyway, to satisfy the last remaining Uber reader (me), I will adopt the persona of Adam Mathes. Really, I will just assemble a collage of Adam's writing in the hopes that it will make me famous. Hell, it works for techno DJs.
First off, I'd like to personally apologize for last week's Filler Friday. Instead of the usual quality that you have come to expect, you got Ben. Sorry about that.
To all of our British readers, who were expecting real content today, we would just like to say: Ha ha! We won the war! No uber for you! We're on vacation! Screw you! And seriously, your teeth are really nasty, it's not funny.
And to any other non-U.S. readers, please remember, our country is better than yours.
Ha ha, those Canadians, they're wacky. Geez, Canada sucks.
I'm not a short, smelly, little Frenchman. I'm short. I'm fine with it.
That reminds me, Andrea has yet to even write a single article this year. I think it's time we start auditioning a replacement token female on the staff.
Requirements to be Über's new token female:
female short has breasts is willing to write about boobs and lesbians
Also, having purple hair would help too. Please send inquiries to me. Actually, don't, I'll probably just ignore them. I hate you guys.
Yes, I hate absolutely everyone and everything, and I want to take over the world. But that is completely unrelated to the fact that I'm short. The two are have nothing to do with one another. I'm sure it was the same way with Napolean.
Let's face the painfully obvious fact: even though you are two heads taller than me, and if I get upset at you and try hitting you, you can actually do the cartoon response of puting your hand on my head to hold me at a far enough distance so that I flail my arms fruitlessly, I am still better than you. HAH! Do you know who I am? I could buy and sell you into an Australian-whore-house ten thousand times and not think the better of it.
This is a blatant lie.
I never get laid. Who wants to be my sugardaddy?
Also, chops, cartoons, Andrea is short, fart.jpg, etc, etc.
Everyone loves cows. moo!
See? Didn't that suck?
(Yes, Adam really wrote all of this.)
David Bernreuther will feel the rather of Adam Goddamn Mathes