What To Do If You Are Attacked By Ben Brown
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by Wes Kiehnau | originally published on 2001-06-20

If Ben Brown were ever to attack you like a mad man, try these easy steps to defend yourself.

1. Before any physical contact is made, scream "Its okay, its only a rash that can be treated."

2. If he gets close enough, kick the fucking sperm out of him. Then call him a bitch.

3. If the kick save does not work, and Mr. Downtown Ben Brown manages to get a lick in, quickly take a step back, collect yourself, and kick him in the shins. Then knock his face to the back off his skull.

4. If Mr. Brown has totally caught you off balance and he is beating your ass severely because you are a pussy, start crying and give him a hug. When his guard is down, quickly execute a punch to the face and run away like a coward.

5. If Ben Brown has successfully beaten your ass, you have successfully become the weakest man alive. Go kick your dog immediately to revive your manhood.

Wes Kiehnua wouldn't stand a chance