The Travel Log of Two Teenagers in Las Vegas
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Day 1
1:39 Pacific Time
The waitress at the House of Blues wants my bod. I think the gods of neon took a dump on Las Vegas. NOTHING HERE IS FREE. The RA nightclub is the hottest night club in Las Vegas. All the chicks are silver.
Keep to the right.
1:44 Pacific time
We are now in the Luxor after going through a free walkway (wow). Apparently, this is the home of the Blue Man group. I don't believe it.
2:11 Pacific ST
The hotel people must die. Their theatre is not open to the public. There are actually 9 Blue Men, not 3.
2:31 PST
My accomplice and I have been gambling. I owe him a million dollars because the King Tut museum is not free. He owes me a World Trade Center because the Luxor is connected to Excalibur.
2:48 PST
We're watching Full House. What the hell? We are in Las Vegas.
2:51 PST
We are still watching Full House. The Olsen twins must die.
4:35 pm PST
A couple getting married in Excalibur.
Earlier, I almost died.
Day 2
9:32 am PST
We have just been let loose on LV Blvd. Surprisingly, Don Rickles is still alive.
9:34 am PST
We have just dicovered that all the grass here is sod.
9:37 PST
I almost die again. Las Vegas has the scariest fucking traffic.
9:40 am PST
We just walked through porn and found a weird card with a chick on the front and a number on the back. On a side note, I have about 25 minutes left on my calling card.
11:13 am PST
CAESAR'S PALACE IS FALLING APART
11:45 am PST
Some Spanish people called us dirty. They didn't know I know Spanish.
1:30 pm PST
We are now about to watch a 3-D movie about M & M's. We snuck in with toddlers.
5:26 pm PST
Earlier, we won a quarter from a slot machine. Breakin' the law. We got a ride from the scariest cabbie. "We'll just drag one of you from the bumper," and "At this time of night, everyone gets a little crazy." Then we found out he was a jazzman. It all makes sense now.
Day 3
12:20 pm PST
Some weird guy in the elevator tapped on an ad for some noodle restaurant and said, "ah... a good cup of noodles" in the direction of a lady.
3:21 pm PST
People with porn papers flick them at you, then get discouraged. Upon entering MGM Grand you see a huge screen of rodeo with an inappropriate soundtrack
3:27 pm PST
There is apparently a huge middle school cheerleading competition here.
3:32 pm PST
We are about to buy $5 shakes at Haagen Dazs, and all we have to say is that "it better be pretty f'ing good."
3:47 pm PST
I just threw away the remains of my $5 shake. It sucked. I really wanted to say "That's a pretty fuckin' good shake." But the people at Haagen-Dazs had other plans. The dumb bitch put ice cubes in the milk shakes.
5:20 pm PST
Whilst my comrade and I were in the "seedy" part of town, we saw an "Elvis-o-rama museum" and a huge ad for Pete Barbutti and his Naked Angels. We also saw a super duper downtown Vegas whore.
5:57 pm PST
We were just informed that the Golden Goose has world class topless girls. Cathy the lush is drunk again. A bum just stole our seat/garbage can. He mumbled, we were startled. Then he claimed he wanted a cigarette as he slyly stole our can. Bastard!
6:56 pm PST
I just used the restroom in the downtown Vegas plaza foodcourt/scum hole and there were ashtrays on the freakin urinals. That is class.
Day 4
11:39 am PST
Some cheerleaders are practicing in the airport. They give me awkward looks for trying to observe the spectacle they are making. The trophy they have is considerably smaller than the first-place winners of the same competition we met earlier. Also noteworthy is the fact that the loser cheerleaders are mostly unattractive while the winners are mostly southern blondes. I suspect some ugliness profiling to have gone on in this competition.
Tally:
Whores: 8
Weddings: 2
Punk rockers: 6
Implants: 2 (pairs)
Near-Death experiences: 4
Giant bronze likenesses of Siegfried and Roy: 1
Drew Swinburne is no Hunter S.