My Dad Could Beat Up Eva Anderson's Dad, Even If He Was On Night Court
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I know what you're thinking, Eva. But I swear this isn't about the time I was really drunk and you didn't want to have sex with me. A lot of people don't want to have sex with me and that's their god-given right. Entire demographics have refused to have sex with me. North American females, aged 18 to 24, for instance.
This isn't because you got into the film program either. I mean, a lot of people aren't in the film program. I used to live with a guy who was an Electrical Engineering major, for Christ's sake. Do you think he cares that you're a film major? I doubt it. Sure, the guy I live with now is a film major, and someday, we might write a screenplay together, because I'm doing fine in the Creative Writing program.
Truth be told, I'm happy I'm not a film major. It's not for everyone, like I'm sure Creative Writing isn't for you.
Your dad was on Night Court, I know. It always comes down to that. Look, there's Eva. Her dad was on Night Court. Did you know Eva got a piece published on Über? Well, her dad was on Night Court after all. But I'm not upset about that either. When I was younger, I used to think my dad was William Shatner. So I guess we all suffer from these kinds of delusions. Some of us just take longer to get over them. But this does not mean that I think less of you as a person, not at all. I have nothing but respect for you, Eva Anderson.
Sometimes when I can't sleep at night, I think of you, Eva Anderson, and how lucky I am to know you. I think of the time I saw you on the street and said hi, and my friend Duane said "You know Eva Anderson, she's so hot. You have to introduce me." I told him your dad was on Night Court and he just stared, slack-jawed in awe.
I never introduced him, because I wanted to be the one who knew Eva Anderson.
Still, when I do sleep it will always be a restless uneasy sleep. I toss and turn, tourmented by the fact that all I will never amount to more than a guy who knows Eva Anderson. I may try to approximate your hairstyle and mode of dress, but I will never be Eva Anderson. My friends will never have the same admiration for me that they have for you, Eva Anderson. I will never walk down the street, as people point and whisper, saying "his father was on Night Court" and when the wind whispers the two sweetest words in the English Language "Eva Anderson", it will never be calling for me.
I said my dad could beat up your dad, but maybe it was just because I was a little jealous, a little hurt. But I swear I never meant any harm to one of America's most treasured comedians and television stars. I hope my remarks weren't taken the wrong way.
I remain ever-adoring of you, Eva Anderson,
Mark Anthony Carpenter
Mark Anthony Carpenter was on Hill Street Blues.