Captain Crank, Chapter Two
↑ that's a permalink! visit the full archive
Captain Crank was depressed by the treatment he received at the hands of his fellow rabbits. So depressed, in fact, that he gorged himself with fattening foods. He stuffed his mouth with so many gorditas, and nachos, and fish tacos, and chimichangas that his belly became large and swollen, and fat hung from his body in great fleshy folds.
And Captain Crank sat in his hovel, his little embarassment of a house, and he ate and ate and he was so fat he could not bathe himself or even sit in the upright position. So fat. So terribly fat.
The rabbits of the town heard of his plight, and they laughed and laughed. They laughed until their ribs ached and tears of humor poured down their cheeks. But one rabbit pitied Captain Crank. And this rabbit was a lady rabbit, a lady rabbit of ill repute. She wore fishnet tights and a lacy bustier and a leather skirt so tight it revealed the outlines of her nether regions. And this rabbit was called Jenny Ruddybupkiss.
Jenny Ruddybupkiss knocked on Captain Crank's door. "Knock Knock." "COME IN" shrieked Captain Crank, in that guttural howl that only the truly fat can emit. And Jenny Ruddybupkiss let herself in. She saw Captain Crank there, on the floor, lying in a pool of his own skin. And she pitied him. In fact, she moved close to him and kissed his cheek, and she placed her hand on his head and pitied him right there, on the floor, with her bare hand.
But all the pitying was interrupted. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. "COME IN" howled Captain Crank once more. And there, in the doorport, stood none other than the creature of legend-the Buttery Man, resplendent in a butter suit, and a butter tie, and a hat made from pure creamery butter.
HALLOOOO THERE! Screamed the Buttery Man. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I AM THE BUTTERY MAN?
And without waiting for a response, the Buttery man pushed his way into Captain Crank's Hovel, and stood above him, dripping creamery butter on every inch of his ample flesh.
LEAVE ME ALONE-screamed Captain Crank. The walls were closing in, and he was sick with worry.
I LEAVE NO ONE. I STOP NEVER. I AM THE BUTTERY MAN.
And the Buttery Man laid his butter hand on Captain Crank's swollen belly. And Lo, there on the ground, in front of Jenny Ruddybupkiss, Captain Crank swelled three times his present size. He was so big his body pressed against the walls of his hovel, and he could not move.
Jenny Ruddybupkiss clawed her way to the door, amid the flesh, and she turned back to Captain Crank, and shook her head sadly. "Only now," she said, "Only now, are you unattractive to me."
Eva Anderson continues on her quest to confuse, enlighten, and dominate