Band Bitch: An Indispensable Primer for the Devoted Female Fan
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Foreward: First of all, congratulations! You have chosen a highly prestigious and rewarding lifestyle, provided you can keep your conversational skills and your gag-reflex in check. Penny Lane you aren't, at least not yet. But armed with these guidelines, ironclad perseverance, and hard (sometimes whiskey-dicked) work, you will be able to rise above the tepid status of "just another fan."
You will be better. Bustier. Blonder, if you know what's good for you.
You will be a groupie.
Preliminary Guidelines for First-Timers:
Never:
-wear panties, or even a thong. No sense in donning superfluous fabric.
-dance badly. If you are unable to dance well, writhe seductively in a corner. Topless.
-guffaw, grunt, or make any sound unbecoming to a lady. Special exceptions are granted for slurping and/or garish lip smacking, but these come later.
Always:
-wear a wonderbra, or at least underwire. No sense in giving everything away right up front.
-play hard to get. This should last through the first set, at least -- but never through the third. You are not aiming for prude, just mysterious.
-lick, suck, and fondle everything remotely phallic. Visual stimulation/reminders are important for boys in a band, especially those of the pop genre. They are stupid, and possibly deaf. Hence, consistent visual aids are key.
Finally, start small. Spend some time ponying before you saddle a stallion, cowgirl. But make no mistake: You are here to ride.
Lesson one: In order to be considered for true groupie status, you must be on the guestlist for every show, but still pay to get in anyway. There is a two-fold purpose inherent: Achieving guestlist status signifies that the band has an interest in your attendance (front and center, with all of the appropriate jiggling parts present and accounted for). More importantly, however, you must pay the cover. This shows the boys in the band that you are willing to be 'charitable' in all aspects of your person (i.e.- your money, your condoms, etc.)
Lesson two: Make friends with all other groupies. Defer gracefully to the hierarchy therein. Never jump a higher-ranking girl's claim, unless the claimee has already been cashed in to the claimer's satisfaction. You will be made aware of this when 1) she directly informs you, or 2) she makes repeated mention to the fact that she's "had all the protein she can stomach from that one." And, no; this shouldn't be taken metaphorically.
Lesson three: Should you forget lesson two due to inebriation or impatience, make sure to do so in a closed off area, and act as if nothing happened after leaving said 'safe zone'. If you find that your target can't stop babbling about his recent "direct hit", kindly explain that he will receive no more services from you unless he shuts the fuck up. This will ensure that there are no instances of stiletto mutiny amongst your ranks.
Lesson four: Pertaining to long-term girlfriends located in another time zone: Please refer to lesson three and substitute the appropriate words. This is not a question of morals or ethics. Should the girlfriend take issue with you, calmly explain that the alleged "infidelity" is clearly within the boundaries of your job description. Then suggest she take it up with the offending male (or the offending cock) as she sees fit.
Summary: The final goal of a groupie may or may not be some form of sexual congress with a few (or many) band members. In successful cases, it most certainly is. If you aspire to attain such a level of eminence, memorize your new mantra:
-your wallet.
-your condom.
-your 'safe zone'.
You are responsible for each of the above. The band members are responsible for showing up, looking hot, and playing entertaining music. Never have any added expectations of them, as you can be assured they will not have any of you.
In closing, always keep in mind: Life outside the band is relegated to a small-talk type of precursor to your main purpose (see: your condom), never as an excuse to get overly attached/fascinated/whathaveyou. The legendary groupies are the ones who understand the simplistic symbiotic nature of their calling:
-go to show
-pay to get in
-drool over appropriate target
-appropriate target gets all sweaty and looks at you intensely during their solo
-go to after party
-get laid
-smile/mumble appreciatively, and go home.
Happy hunting, girls.
Sara Lavin is a band bitch.