A PISSY VIRGIN'S RESPONSES TO ELVIS SONGS
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A Little Less Conversation
A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me
Satisfy you? Bastard. All you ever think about is you. You don't even acknowledge the fact that you're asking me to give you the greatest gift a woman could ever give a man--my virginity. And it seems you really couldn't care less about our relationship; you don't even want to discuss with me the things that are important for us. All you want is some action. Ungrateful pig.
Burning Love
Okay, you can smoulder and/or explode in the backseat. I'm staying right here in the passenger seat with my arms crossed over my chest and my thighs pressed tightly together. Like I care if you burst into flames when you don't care enough to respect the fact that I've never had sex.
Love Me Tender
You're such a bloody liar. You say all that, all gently and sweetly and shit, pretending like you'll love me forever and marry me and make up for the male love I've missed in my childhood because of my father's discovery of his homosexuality approximately five minutes after I was born, then you want to bang me. What the fuck?!
Pocketful of Rainbows
No more heartaches
Now that I've found a love so true
Got a pocketful of rainbows
And an armful of you
God, I knew it. You're gay, aren't you?
A Big Hunk O' Love
Don't be a stingy little mama
You're 'bout to starve me half to death
Well you can spare a kiss or two and
Still have plenty left, no no no
Baby, I ain't askin' much of you
Just a big-a big-a hunk o' love will do
Stingy? Not asking much? You're winning your way just brilliantly into my pants, sugar.
And I wouldn't qualify "a kiss or two" as "just a big-a big-a hunk o' love". I know what you want; don't even bother trying to hide it. You don't want just innocent smooching. But when you refer to "a big-a big-a hunk o' love", what exactly do you mean? Oh God, I don't want to know.
Don't
Don't, don't, that's what you say
Each time that I hold you this way
When I feel like this and I want to hold you
Baby, don't say don't
Well, chum, sorry, because I just did. What can I say? I don't want you to hold me. I just don't find your raging little erection against my thigh a particularly sensuous feeling.
Surrender
So, my darling, please surrender
All your love so warm and tender
Let me hold you in my arms, dear
While the moon shines bright above
Ah, yes, la lune! l'amour! GAG ME. You think some fucking moonlight's enough to make me want to let you eat me out, much less stick your little worm of a dick into me?
It's Now Or Never
It's now or never
Come hold me tight
Kiss me my darling
Be mine tonight
Tomorrow will be too late
It's now or never
My love won't wait
So what you're saying is that if I don't have sex with you tonight, it'll be too late for me to ever have sex with you? THANK GOD. I have a headache. Plus I'm really tired. Plus I'm really just not ready.
One Night
Only one night? Like hell. I know you boys. You ask for one night, and you get as many nights as possible before I become pregnant or fatally ill with AIDS; you take the most precious part of my physical being and never call again and pretend you've never even seen me before, much less asked me to suck your dick.
I Just Can't Help Believin'
I just can't help believin'
When she's lying close beside me
And my heart beats with the rhythm of her sighs
This time the girl is gonna stay
For more than just a day
I sure as hell wasn't the one lying close beside you. Everyone knows what lying down will lead to. And I could never bring myself to sigh in your presence, unless of course it's one of exasperation. Fucking cheat.
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Fuck off.
Laura Joldersma sure is pissy.