How to Make It Big-Time in Hollywood
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Like all good Americans, your list of unfulfilled dreams probably includes Makin' It Big-Time in Hollywood, right? Of course it does! Every red-blooded patriot dreams of cash money, red carpets, plastic surgery, and public forgiveness regarding indiscretions with hookers and blow. Heck, if those things aren't on your to-do list, you're probably a goddamned Communist. You're not a goddamned Commie, are ya? Are ya? No, no, of course you're not. I was just testing to see if you'd flinch. You pass, my blue-jeans Yankee brother.
Now, listen up, chump: Makin' It Big-Time in Hollywood ain't so easy. It takes determination, it takes courage, it takes stick-to-itiveness, and it takes 850 dollars, cash or credit card (no checks). So buckle up, strap in, get your ass in gear, etc.: This is the Spielberg, Weinstein & Bruckheimer Makin' It Big-Time in Hollywood 3-Day Weekend Crash Course Seminar.* That's right, for just 850 smackeroos and 18 solid hours of undivided attention, you too can be a Big-Time Hollywood All-Star. Don't believe me? Listen to these testimonials:
"Wow! Thank you, SW&BMIBTiH3DWCCS! Now I'm a Big-Time Hollywood player!"
"I was a big loser nobody before, but now I'm awesome. I've really Made It Big-Time!"
You see? Gary Paltrow, once of Danbury, Connecticut, is a Big-Time Hollywood superstar, thanks to us. So is Bradley Willis, formerly of Portland, Oregon. And you can be, too!
The 3-Day Weekend Crash Course Seminar will include:
- How to write a screenplay!
- How to write an adapted screenplay!
- How to write a novelization of an existing movie!
- How to act (drama)!
- How to act (comedy)!
- How to act (awards-show acceptance speech)!
- How to avoid scandal!
- Failing that, how to parlay your scandal into even bigger fame!
- How to write your tell-all autobiography!
- How to get a ghostwriter to write your tell-all autobiography!
- How to shill in Japan!
- How to ride fame into political office!
- How to deal with becoming an inevitable has-been!
- And more!
More, you ask? Yes, more! I told you we weren't stinking Commies! We're big, fat Americans and we give you more: I'm talkin' an acting workshop led by special guest Dick Durock (star of "Swamp Thing" and "Return of Swamp Thing") and a Q-and-A panel about Living Large in Hollywood with very special guest panelists Slick Vic (Robert Downey Jr.'s supplier), Roddy Zweibel (Chuck Norris look-alike), Cherry Jubilee (Asian tranny escort), and Little Dougie Henning Jr. (magician's assistant).
But wait, that's not all! Sign up today, and you get this handsome "I Made It Big-Time in Hollywood Thanks to Spielberg, Weinstein & Bruckheimer's Makin' It Big-Time in Hollywood 3-Day Weekend Crash Course Seminar" T-shirt! (S, M, XXXL available). And also, this handsome tote bag! And this handsome Swatch watch that I'm wearing! This very one! Yes, sir, all this and more can be yours! Just give me 850 bucks. Soon. Like, now. Seriously. You don't even have to show up to the seminar. I'll just mail you the certificate, O.K.? You can frame it and hang it up, and parade around with your handsome tote and T and Swatch watch and everybody will look at you and think you're some big-time Hollywood whatever, and you'll get laid aplenty, I promise. Just give me 850 bucks, man. I need it. They're gonna evict me. They've repossessed my car. My wife left me. Even Dick Durock is avoiding me. And I've got all these crates of too-small or too-large shirts. Lemon fucking yellow! Why did I think lemon yellow was the way to go? Nobody likes lemon yellow T-shirts! Not even gay people, and they'll wear anything flashy. Oh, god, I never should've dropped out of barbershop school. I could've been making decent wages for honest work, and instead I'm washing dishes part-time in a Tex-Mex place on Sepulveda. Oh, god, I'm a failure. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. Say, you don't want to buy a screenplay, do you? Map to the stars' homes? Snapshot of Phoebe Cates in line at the deli ordering a chicken wrap? A prop I swiped from the set of "2 Fast 2 Furious"? You want Swamp Thing's home phone number?
Act now! Seats are limited!
* Spielberg, Weinstein & Bruckheimer Makin' It Big-Time in Hollywood 3-Day Weekend Crash Course Seminar is not affiliated with Steven Spielberg, Harvey or Bob Weinstein, or Jerry Bruckheimer.