Cellphones as used by egotistic jackasses in public: an allegory
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The scene opens on a city-centre bus. Passengers are getting on and off at regular intervals.
A mobile phone with that ever-so-delightful Nokia ring-tone goes off. EGOTIST looks startled and hunts around in various items of clothing until the offending communications medium is found.
EGOTIST: (shouting for no apparant reason) YEAH, HELLO?
(A pause while EGOTIST ascertains his location and status.)
EGOTIST: (still shouting) YEAH, I'M ON THE BUS! YOU HEAR ME? ON THE BUS! I'VE JUST BEEN- (quieter, at last) oh, wait, there's only a few people on the bus, I can stop shouting.
(EGOTIST desperately looks around, hoping someone gets on the bus.)
EGOTIST: Yeah, can you, like, hold on or something? There's no-one on the bus, and I wanna, y'know, share my private conversation with some people. Yeah mate. Yeah, exactly.
(MOTHER with BABY gets on the bus. EGOTIST looks happier.)
EGOTIST: (shouting again, what a surprise) AWRIGHT, MATE, THERE'S SOME MORE PEOPLE ON THE BUS, SO... YEAH, YEAH, I CAN START SHOUTIN' AGAIN. OKAY, YEAH, SO I'M ON THE BUS! YEAH, ON THE BUS!
(BABY starts crying. EGOTIST erupts into maniacal laughter.)
EGOTIST: (inbetween bouts of laughter, shouting even louder) HAHAHA - YEAH, YE- HAHA - YEAH MATE! IT'S CRYIN'! HAHA! AWRIGHT, SO YOU'LL CALL IN A BIT AGAIN, RIGHT? I WANNA IGNORE SOME MORE PEOPLE'S RIGHT TO PRIVACY, LIKE. AWRIGHT, BYE MATE.
(EGOTIST turns off his mobile phone and puts it in the inside-pocket of his bag underneath his jacket, so as to elongate subsequent retrieval time. Fade out with MOTHER shouting at screaming BABY in background.)
Francis Woodhouse is pissed off at cellphone jerks.