Failed Scholarship Application
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1. "Calgon is determined to make the best bath, body, and home products, so we're continually coming up with new products and exciting new scents. Give an example of your determination to accomplish your goals"
"Beep! Beep!" My alarm clock explodes, ripping me inch by inch from sleep. 'Fuck that,' I think to myself. Maybe I yelled it...I'm not really sure. The coffee maker sputters for a bit as it decides that it's eight. For some reason none of the appliances in my apartment can ever reach consensus on what time it is. I roll over, light a cigarette, and ponder the question that faces every college student. I reach the same answer - I'm going back to sleep.
2. "Calgon products make great, inexpensive "just because" gifts, pick-me-ups or thank-yous for special friends. Tell us about just such a friend and how he/she has made a difference in your life."
One of my roommates has this girlfriend whom I'm not exactly enamored with but I don't dislike either. Its one of those strange little things and for some reason I decided that my best option was to be passive aggressive. She returned the favor. Now, when I leave for the weekend, I come back to little haikus with crayon drawings of flowers from her lying on my bed explaining why I am personally responsible for the holocaust.
3. "When we create products that are refreshing, great-smelling, fun, affordably priced and designed to make your life a little better in the little ways that count, then we've done our job successfully. How do you define success for yourself?"
Success is switching over to drinking your coffee black and never again waking up to find that your roommates have used up all of the sugar so you have to run to the convenience store down the block and steal the little sugar packets with the different types of boats on the back. But then failure isn't so bad...at least I now know what a sloop is.
John Laffler did not receive the Calgon Scholarship.