Zell Miller Shows His Family and the Nation the Healthy Way to Dine Out
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Thank you for the prompt service, Miss. These reporters are just here to take notes.
Since I last sat in this restaurant, a whole new generation of the Miller Family has been born: Four great grandchildren screaming, crying, and drooling at this table. I admit we deserve this spot in the smoking section and the annoyed stares we're getting from the other patrons. Unquestionably, we are an embarrassment.
And I know that's how you feel about your family also. Still, you want them to eat wisely.
Like you, I believe a low-carb, low-fat diet is the key to my family's well-being. That is what has placed me in this diner with you tonight. For the health of my family is more important than the great taste of junk food.
Could we get some menus now? And you newspersons, how about some elbow room for me and mine, eh?
In the summer of 1940, I was an 8-year-old boy eating fatback and packaged coconut layer cake in a remote little Appalachian valley. I did not yet have hardening of the cerebral arteries, but even we children knew that a continued high-fat, high-carb diet purchased from the crazy man at the general store would raise our cholesterol to dangerous levels and promote sugar diabetes.
Now, while patriotic young Americans are getting wholesome take-out in Baghdad and consuming the nutritious local fare in the liberated cafes of Falujah, our citizens at home are growing fatter and weaker because of the food industry's manic obsession to raid our wallets while force-feeding us carbs and fats.
And nothing makes this Marine madder than the food industry calling a carb a nutrient and fat a dietary necessity.
Tell that to the sixty million plus-size American men, women and children today who need special fat-shoes just to be able to walk. They know better, or should.
My salad must contain the following ingredients:
The carrot, that lowers harmful LDL cholesterol and provides many useful minerals.
The tomato, that supplies vitamin C and lycopene for protection against prostate cancer.
Lettuce, the source of fiber for regular and substantial bowel evacuations.
I could go on and on about the additional vegetables I'd enjoy and my need for low-fat, low-carb dressings and croutons, but you get the point. Keep it light and nutritious and put the dressing on the side.
Where you eat tells people who you want them to think you are. What you order tells people who you really are deep inside.
I'll have the turkey sandwich on whole wheat, mustard not mayo, and ice tea no sugar.
You know, at this moment President Bush is probably having a sensible meal of lean barbecue and multi-grain bread in the White House with his loving family and Karl Rove. And the traitor Kerry is probably standing on a street corner stabbing a Vietnam vet in the back with his pocketknife while eating a big, greasy slice of meat-lover's pizza from the hand of some overweight Democratic campaign contributor who owns a chain of pizza shops.
It's clear which man is best suited to lead our flabby nation to fitness.
Thank you, everyone. Miss, the rest of my family will order now.
Michael Fowler eats fatback.