Have you seen? Have you heard? New things at McDonalds -- and you are impressed by them!
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To harmonize alongside the dissonance of political blah-blah, McDonalds -- the renowned, rapid-fire distributor of daily bread, plastic toys, and fervent smiles, the commanding consecution of cholesterol-filled cafeteria, a dictator of drive-thru, whose golden, glowing, glorious Double Arches of Power communities both far and wide behold proudly from interstates, highways, byways, mini-mall swathed thoroughfares, streets, dirt roads, biking paths, walking routes, hiking passages, and old Indian trails -- has added some more crap to its menu! Huzzah!
I was first in line, because I am King Tastetester, to gobble down both the brand new McBush burger and J-Kerry Limited Ed. Sandwich Combo. The McBush burger, four two-pound patties of steaming meat stacked high atop a loaf of Texas toast and completely covered in Cheney Secret Sauce, was of a delicate and simple palatableness. It also came with a free apple pie! Score! The aftertaste, however, later guillotined my appetite for just about four hours (Note: while later reading aloud in chemistry class about nuclear fusion, could not pronounce certain words properly. Also note: had strange urge to speak in fragmented, southern drawl). On the esthetic side of things, the flimsy and poorly printed cardboard container wasn't much too look at. On the fun side, I got a cool toy cross that kept me busy for a few days before I lost it under the seat at a stoplight and then later adjusted my seat and crunched it.
Overall score: 3.14 out of 5, just because I really like pie.
The J-Kerry Limited Ed. Sandwich Combo, which is really just an Atkins-friendly salad, made me feel sassy and accomplished. Although the salad was lacking in substance, the J-Kerry Rhetorically Interesting Word Search that came with it kept me far too distracted to care. I mean, with having to define and find words like "abecedarian" and "pragmatographia," how couldn't I resist spending the rest of the day in a red and orange McDonald's booth, dictionary in hand, mumbling in tongues and lusting after that sweet piece of ass, John Edwards, even though you didn't really just read that. The combo also comes with a bag of purple hearts and free Botox treatment.
Overall score: 4 out of 5, because I thought injecting my dog with Botox would be funny (and of course it totally was).
Anyway, the election is over, so odds are that McDonalds will keep these new items on the menu for only so long. Like maybe 5 more minutes if you are lucky. And no, you are not lucky, so do not hold your breath.
Nathan Klose likes Dick Cheney's Secret Sauce.