Insane People Who Visit The Library
↑ that's a permalink! visit the full archive
1. Insane person: May also find the sub-species known as the "insane homeless person", but for the most part the homeless variety do not come into the library and the insane person usually is someone who has a place to live and a job that they love talking to you about ad nauseum. These people like to come into the library and harass library staff, particularly reference and circulation staff. They start out quiet, but then something as little as the library's copy of Moby Dick being checked out, or worse yet, the library only owns one copy of Moby Dick that is 70 years old and crumbling into pieces, sends them into a tirade about how the world and the library is in a vast conspiracy against him/her and that all they wanted to do was read Moby Dick and obviously the library MUST have it. They will come to the reference desk over and over and over again asking for said copy of Moby Dick until in all exasperation the reference librarian sends them to the circulation desk where they can hear the same explanation from someone else. This can play out for minutes to hours leading up to screaming and shouting and the insane person led out of the building by security.
2. Homeless Person: These are members of the public, who for the most part have been thrown out of the neighborhood Barnes & Noble or Borders and now have chosen to come to the library to sleep. You can usually find them in areas of the library where couches, chairs, and newspapers are located. You can identify them by the dirty clothing, the smell, and the defensive attitude they have. In many events, you will find the homeless person either strung out or inebriated. You realize this when you find the homeless person either pissing, shitting, or both in areas of the library that are obviously not the bathroom, or when you walk into the bathroom and find them smearing bodily fluids all over the place. It is then your job as a library employee to clean it up.
3. Intellectual in their own Mind/Smuggling Profiteer: This person comes to the library every single day and does nothing but ask obtuse reference questions and sits at a table with 50 books at once all day. You can also find them by the photocopiers, copying large passages from books. When you try to explain the copyright laws they become abusive and rant on and on about how if they are paying for the copies, then they can do whatever they like. If you are a small library, inevitably there is a line in the photocopying areas because of this patron. Upon further inspection of their patron record you notice that they constantly have the maximum number of books checked out at all times on about 15 different topics of no relation to one another, they have about 50 inter-library loan requests and whenever they return books you notice that the spine is cracked. Library staff has come to the conclusion that they are copying entire text books and selling them overseas.
4. Spoiled Brat Kids: Usually accompanied by Stupid Parent (see below. These patrons come into the library hoping that the reference librarian will do their book report/English paper/science project for them. They usually ask for information on a vague topic like, "Astronomy" of "William Shakespeare." When the librarian tries to conduct the reference interview in an attempt to figure out exactly what information about astronomy or William Shakespeare the patron needs, the patron becomes inpatient and angry because everyone knows that all you have to do is ask the reference librarian one question and they will give you all of the exact, relevant information they need. Looking to the Stupid Parent for help usually proves futile.
5. Stupid Parent: Almost always accompanied by Spoiled Brat Kid (see above) these parents are either coming to the library to do their kids homework or have a reference librarian do it for them. They have little interaction with their child other than to publicly scold them or drag them around the building by their arms. The less visible variety is those that simply drop their 6 year old child at the library in the morning and pick them up five hours later. This variety seems to think that the library is a free babysitting service.
6. Over Sexed Patrons: These are the patrons who no matter how much filtering software you put on a computer, no matter if you use privacy screens, set the computer to return to the library homepage after 5 minutes of inactivity, or anything else you do to cut down on the amount of pornography that is viewed on the public computers, always seem to find a way to set the bookmarks or the home page to a porno site. The more cunning variety also manages to print out 100 copies of the same pornographic picture.
7. Religious Right Patrons: These are the patrons that constantly come to the reference desk screaming about how it is not proper that we have a copy of Catcher in the Rye, The Bluest Eye, Madonna's Sex Book, Harry potter or any other title on the banned book list because the books are amoral and written by sinners. In the course of the conversation/argument the librarian will be told at least 15 times that they are in fact sinners and will be going straight to hell.
The Frustrated Librarian will catch you if you surf porn at her library.